10 Questions to Ask Your Parent About Their Funeral Wishes

Quick answer: If a parent has been diagnosed with dementia or is showing signs of memory decline, ask them now about burial or cremation, who they want involved, what kind of service they want, and what “keep it simple” or “go all out” actually means to them. Record their answers in their own words, date them and share them with the family.

Why this can't wait

A dementia diagnosis doesn't remove someone's right to say what they want. It just puts a clock on it.

A dementia diagnosis doesn't automatically mean someone has lost mental capacity or their right to make their own decisions. Capacity can change over time and can be different for different decisions. That's one reason it's worth having these conversations sooner rather than leaving everything until a crisis.

I'm not a solicitor and this isn't legal advice. If your parent's mental capacity is already in question, or you need advice about LPAs, wills or other legal arrangements, please speak to an appropriate legal professional. This article is simply about capturing their wishes in plain language, while there's still time to ask.

Before you ask anything

Pick a calm moment - not a hospital corridor at 3am. Straight after a difficult GP appointment is also not a good time. A cup of tea at the kitchen table (preferably with a large slice of carrot cake) works better than you'd think.

Say why you're asking. Something like: “I want to make sure we get this right for you, not guess.” Believe me when I say that one sentence does more work than any script.

Write the answers down as you go, or straight after. Memory - I am meaning yours, not just theirs - is not a filing system to be relied on at times like this.

The 10 questions

1. Do you want to be buried or cremated?

Start here. It's simple and the single biggest decision and it shapes almost everything else - the type of service, the cost, and what happens to their body afterwards. It’s almost impossible to skip this so in all cases this is question numero uno.

2. Do you want a traditional funeral service, or something simpler?

Some people want the church, the hearse, the full day, and they usually know this pretty clearly. Others want a direct cremation with no service at all, and a gathering later on their own terms. Neither is right or wrong - the only mistake is guessing and presuming you ‘know’ what they would want.

3. Who do you want there?

Ask specifically and then wait patiently for the full answer. “Everyone” can mean very different things to different people. Some parents want a small family-only gathering. Others want every neighbour and old colleague invited since they were at Reception class. So, get names if they have strong feelings either way and it’s a rookie error again to not make notes and presume you’ll remember it all. You won’t.

4. Is there a song, reading, or piece of music that matters to you?

This is often the easiest question to ask and the one which families most regret not asking at the time. A single song request can turn a stressful day into something that actually feels like them. They will have a knack for knowing what sums up their essence way more accurately than three offspring in the depths of grief. Listen to them and write it down.

5. Do you want flowers, or would you rather people gave to charity?

Flowers are not everyone’s bag. Some want the Chelsea Flower show on their coffin and others don’t give two figs. If they opt for a charity, ask which one. “A charity” isn't specific enough for the person organising things on the day as these days there are just too many to start wading through blindly.

6. Have you already paid for a funeral plan, or set money aside?

This isn't about the money for its own sake - it's about knowing whether a decision has already been made somewhere in a dusty drawer or a back office filing cabinet that the rest of the family doesn't even know about.

7. Is there anyone you'd want to lead or speak at the service?

A minister, a celebrant, a specific family member - some people have a very strong view here and never mention it unless asked directly. You cannot be expected to guess and they may surprise you.

8. Where would you want to be buried or have your ashes go?

If cremation, this is definitely worth asking clearly. Scattering somewhere specific (e.g. off the coast of Lyme Regis), being kept safely inside the Urn, being buried in a family plot in South Glamorgan - these are all very different outcomes and hard to undo once decided. Be clear when you ask this, so you know categorically if they seem some destiny for their body or ashes.

9. What does “keep it simple” actually mean to you?

Almost every parent says some version of this to try not to sound diva’ish. It means completely different things to different people. Push gently but firmly for specifics - it saves an argument between siblings later who each heard “simple” differently.

10. Is there anything you don't want?

This question actually catches things the other nine may miss. No bagpipes. No black clothing. No long eulogy. The things people don't want are often stronger and clearer than the things they do, so be sure to ask this open ended and patiently wait for them to consider their thoughts.

What to do with the answers

Write it all down in one place, in your parent's own words where you can. Date it. Share a copy with any siblings or close family involved, so nobody's relying on second-hand memory later and be sure to email it (including to yourself) for good measure.

This document is not a will and it is not legally binding on its own - but it is one of the single biggest things you can do to stop a difficult day turning into a family disagreement about what your parent “would have wanted.”

FAQs

What if my parent doesn't want to talk about it?

Don't force it in one sitting. Ask one question, let it sit and percolate and come back another day. Most people who avoid the topic aren't avoiding death - they're avoiding feeling like a burden or feeling put on the spot there and then. Framing it as “helping me get it right for you” usually lands better than “we need to talk about your funeral.”

What if my parent already has dementia and can't reliably answer?

Ask gently and listen to whatever they are able to tell you. A dementia diagnosis doesn't automatically mean someone lacks mental capacity, and capacity can depend on the particular decision being made.

If you're unsure whether your parent can make a particular decision, don't assume either way. For important legal or healthcare decisions, get appropriate professional advice. For funeral wishes, you can still record what they tell you in their own words, alongside anything they've previously written down or clearly expressed.

Is a written note like this legally binding?

No, it's not a will and it doesn't replace one. It's a record of wishes that helps whoever's arranging the funeral make decisions that your parent would recognise. For anything legally binding, speak to a solicitor.

How is this different from a Lasting Power of Attorney?

An LPA is a legal document that lets someone else make decisions on your parent's behalf if they lose capacity – there are two types – one that covers property and finances and the other related to health and welfare. This fact finding of the funeral is a separate exercise and informal: it's about recording funeral wishes specifically, in plain language, before the conversation becomes harder to have.

When's the best time to ask these questions?

As soon as there's any hint of change - a diagnosis, a health scare, or even just a parent getting older and more reflective. Earlier is always easier than later. Waiting for “the right moment” is usually just waiting for capacity to reduce.

Would it help to get your own funeral wishes sorted too?

These conversations are much easier when we're not trying to have them during a crisis.

My Funeral Planning Workshop helps you work through the decisions, questions and practical details that matter, and actually get your wishes written down.

You can come for yourself, come with a family member, or use what you learn to start those conversations at home.

VIEW THE FUNERAL PLANNING WORKSHOP →